A Letter to Tuthmosis

Tuthmosis,

I'm foregoing the traditional niceties because I'm appalled by what you wrote.  I'd like to take just a moment from my work day to respond to what you said as an appropriate way to date.

First, I'd like to say you must not have a very balanced idea of who good women are.  Throughout the course of the five reasons, you mention several times things that are unattractive to you as traits of "women".  Clearly, according to these concepts, you actually have no female friends, contact with female relatives, or any encounters with women outside of brief meetings at work or at the bar on a drunken Friday night.  This thought saddens me as your blog has gotten so much attention; you are no expert on the female heart.

Women, in general, want to be seen as beautiful.  We try to live the ideal, and we sadly sometimes try to make ourselves look "hot" because we have a shallow understanding of what beauty is.  Here's the point that you're missing, too: women are naturally designed to be beautiful.  I can recall a few circumstances of the most beautiful women I've either met or been impressed by.  My freshmen year of college, I met Jim Caviezel on the streets of the Vatican in Rome.  With him were a couple of men in his entourage, but also his wife.  While I remember his graciousness in allowing us to shake his hand in Italy, I remember how beautiful his wife was more.  When we think of stars' wives, we think of super models, women whose looks are those we could only dream to achieve with the help of photoshop and an inordinate amount of makeup, thus realities that don't exist.  What I remember about Mrs. Caviezel is her LACK of makeup, and her smile.  She radiated joy, faithfulness, and love.  She was beautiful to me because she knew who she was and didn't demand to be treated for more than she is.  Gorgeous.

The other woman I think of that defies your idea of beauty is Mother Theresa.  A dear friend of mine often showed a picture of Mother Theresa to students and reminded them that this is not what the world defines as beauty.  Mother Theresa wouldn't have won any traditional beauty contests, but she was a soul that radiated beauty beyond the exterior.  This woman saved lives, served with her entire being, and loved all.  There's scantly a thing more beautiful than this.

Beautiful to the world is simply a state of the exterior.  Your concept is off: simply a statement of exterior (rarely fat, stylish clothing, fit and trim, etc.).  While I commend you for not using the word "beauty" in your article to define what you're looking for, I also call you a liar because it's exactly what you want....in your distorted way.

I have rarely met a man that does not find a woman who knows who she is attractive in some way.  You might be the first.  While the exterior comes into play, while it may seem great at the beginning, the irrational thoughts that pervade, the lack of desire to go out because she doesn't feel beautiful enough, the crazy amounts of exercise or the lack of eating or the intense cry fests, or the lack of ability to show who she truly is, that all weighs on the other person.  Am I blaming these women for failed relationships?  Ah, hell, naw.  I am saying that the emotional instability of women with these chemical imbalances and poor self-talk (it's called a disease for a reason) takes a real man to be there for her. A real man lets her know she's beautiful.  A real man shows her more than just what's in the mirror (or what her lying mirror tells her).  A real man treats her with respect.  A real man shows her that he's not the only person she can lean on in these times.  Let's be honest - a real man will show her the way to Christ for healing, love and growth.  A real man doesn't exploit a woman for the mere fact that she refuses to show her true self, and therefore simply aims to please you; a real man will help her draw out the authentic, beautiful woman inside.  Ultimately, a real man will recognize that she needs to make the decision to work towards recovery with support herself.  That's right, work towards RECOVERY.  This is a real disease that shouldn't be exploited.

You say that women who have the "you go girlist" confidence are unattractive.  You say that women that have an inflated ego carry some of the traits of the most unattractive kind to you.  I'll venture to say this: the very thing you detest here is a.) a symptom of the same root of what causes eating disorders and b.) something you seem to struggle with yourself.  Pride, the vice that is seemingly the most pervasive in our culture, attacks in two forms: low and high.  High pride is what you described as almost disgusting to you.  High pride is what we normally think of when confronted with the word, itself; it's the tendency to think of yourself more highly than is actually rooted in truth.  Low pride, my friend, is the same issue, but the opposite swing; low pride is the tendency to think of yourself more lowly than is actually rooted in truth.  Both forms of pride reject God in their essence: the proud who reject God because they don't see the need for Him in their lives, and the proud who reject God because they fail to see their worthiness of Him in their own hearts.  Women who struggle with eating disorders don't find themselves worthy, which is a thought that is not rooted in truth.  Women who do not see themselves as worthy of love are believing a prevalent lie that has saturated our culture.  Women are beautiful and dignified.  Please stop trying to tell them they're not.

The other three points that you made regarding money and sex show something almost more devious in this article than the previous points: utilitarianism.  The root issue with the entire treatise is your mindset of allowing women to simply become objects for your direct pleasure, and not allowing women to become, in your mind, people.  The whole purpose of your article is to show that our world has some pretty slim and atrocious options for our late-twenties/early-thirties dating.  Ok, I'll agree with you; the world, at large, has some pretty awful options for potential love.  On the side of women, I can say that fairly often, the guys we find ourselves relating to emotionally or, really just being able to relate to in general, are not the kind of guys that "you'd take to meet Mom and Dad".  Conversely, the virtuous, "nice" guys tend to reside in the land of misfit toys, scarcely able to even converse naturally.  (Note - don't get offended, guys; this isn't the case for every guy.).  The same could be said for a man's perspective.  However, if you lower your standards to simply dating for the sole purpose of using another for what they can do, and that's it, then you are going to make this problem an inescapable reality of the future.  

“When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen, Life Is Worth Living

Why not enjoy the bromances in your life until you meet a gal who fits your criteria in a more healthy way?  Or perhaps does the fear of a lifelong commitment leading you to personal growth scare you so much?

Shall We Dance?

What started in high school as a fun pastime to swing dance, quickly turned into a regular occasion in college. My last two years at the University of Northern Colorado were filled with many adventures while living in the Marian House. Several of those adventures began, ended or were in direct relation to DANCING.

Let me clarify what I mean by dancing: we rarely went to those stereotypical college clubs that basically sound like someone is beating on the wall with a bass drum. I actually only recall two circumstances in which I went to "Cactus Canyon" while I was in college. Oh, no. We went to the Sundance in Ft. Collins, the Mercury Cafe in Denver and Suite 152 in Ft. Collins for dancing with a partner. Through these interactions, and the ones that followed in my life as a missionary for college students, I started to realize the beauty in catechizing through dancing.

What does dancing teach us?  The act of dancing teaches men how to be men and women how to be women in an environment that's not a classroom, planned small group like a bible study, or large group catechetical event like a lifenight or conference.  When standing on the side of the dance floor as the songs begin, men walk toward women, ask them to dance.  Women then have the option to accept or reject the offer.  Men lead women to a spot on the dance floor that gives them room to begin the basic step: a step that the man is to lead the woman through to the beat of the song that is being played.  As they are dancing, it's the man's responsibility to lead the woman through whatever turns, spins, dips, pretzels, or what have-yous.  It's also his responsibility (and, guys, take note, because it's the least fun what you're jostled around) to protect the woman in his arms.  If there is a good crowd that night, there's going to be a need to make sure that your dance partner for that song isn't thrown into another person during a spin, or that someone else turns their partner into her. .

Each of these small events leads to roles that are proper to the true masculine nature of men and the feminine nature of women.  When waiting to dance, men ask women: this is them initiating the relationship.  Through this interaction, I learned how, in my own life, to allow men to initiate relationships.  This actually allowed me to live a better emotional health, because I wasn't putting myself out there on display too much.  I learned how to give subtle hints, and waiting on someone else has taught me a greater respect for something as simple as friendship and greater patience in most areas of my life.  When waiting to be asked to dance, a woman makes eye contact with the men she hopes will ask her, for whatever reason.  It's not initiating anything, but allowing a man to understand the interest on behalf of the woman.

When asked, a woman has the opportunity to open herself a little more to a man.  She definitely weighs the factors: Do I know this guy?  Is this someone with whom I am extremely uncomfortable?  Is this person simply wanting to dance, or is there an ulterior motive?  Will this person respect my personal boundaries?  Has this person had too much to drink tonight?  Once an answer is given, men respect that and either find another partner, or lead the woman to the floor.  What a beautiful opportunity.  I encourage woman to simply say, "Yes!" even if you can't dance.  Opening yourself to the opportunity to allow a man to lead, and allowing yourself the vulnerable opportunity to learn something new with another person is a beautiful part of life and human interaction.  If we don't allow ourselves to be open, we cannot find it in ourselves to receive: the nature of women is reception; it's even written into our bodies.

After this cordial exchange comes the actual dancing.  I'm going to say the thing that women probably struggle with the most: leading.  Ladies, men lead the dance; don't try to take over for him.  Don't anticipate.  Why did I write that?  Oh, you know, because I do it, too.  I've been dancing two-step, country swing, west coast swing and salsa for long enough that I know the basic steps and basic turns.  Let's relish in that: mystery.  In my own heart, I see that struggle with pride myself.  I see that when I get to a point in my life where there's a slight curve in the road, I want to be on the other side of the curve right away.  That's not how Jesus works.  I'm not saying my life is perfect, by any means; I'm not living my life-long Vocation, yet.  I do, however, have a peacefully happy existence as I wait for the Holy Spirit to reveal the next turn to me.  Yup, it's the hardest thing ever to wait on the Lord at times, and He knows that it's my biggest struggle to be patient.  It's why I'm often waiting longer: because I need it!  This is why this aspect of dancing is so good for the female heart: patience and waiting on his timing.  You're following what the man is doing, and not expecting or analyzing; your job is to follow.  That's the hardest job in the world, gals.

While this inner dialogue of telling myself to stop leading on the dance floor is happening, a guy is thinking about his next move and making sure there is enough space for the steps he plans to take.  Earlier, I called it "protecting his partner", because, well, sometimes that's how it feels!  This past Friday, I went dancing with a pretty large group of people (mostly gals - sorry guys!).  Two of the men with us, in particular, not only danced well, but actually made me feel safe from the "dangers" of the dance floor.  When I was dancing, I knew that they wouldn't allow another couple to bump into me.  I knew that they wouldn't spin me into another person.  In that way, I knew that they were caring for me more than just trying to bust out some moves to impress me.  One of the most impressive things to me is a man who can love through chivalry.  In this culture of equality, women often have beaten men into submission by yelling, "You don't think I can open a door for myself?"  Actually, that's not what he's saying.  He's honoring you by:

      1. Allowing you the opportunity to be served.  You very well can open that door for yourself, madam, but he would like to show you your own dignity by doing it for you so you don't have to break pace.
      2. Allowing you the opportunity to receive.  While it's no great feat for a man to open a door, a woman can honor a man back by simply receiving his small gesture.  In other cultures, when you don't eat all of the food on your plate, you're dishonoring and insulting the cook.  You'd NEVER do that.  Why is socially OK to dishonor and insult a man holding the door for you in that way?  SHEESH.

In this culture, having men who still desire to treat women with the respect they deserve, which is far beyond the respect for which we often ask, ladies, is a breath of fresh air.  Dancing with someone who doesn't allow to you get bumped into isn't the greatest form of flattery, but it is an honoring point that to which I want your attention to be drawn.  There's a hidden beauty in that small gesture.

Our culture is so obsessed with pushing the limits: How far is too far?  What is my limit?  How much can I do in a day before I exhaust myself?  How much of a high can I get before it's not legal any more?  This is because we've lost the art of simplicity.  St. Therese is a great Saint for today's culture, in that her little way would be even less recognizable in this culture of limits.  We have lost our ability to take appreciate and find beauty in the smallest of actions.  We desire bigger and better, louder and flashier.  As counter-culturals, we are called to action and to take note of the simplest of gestures and graces.  While our God is the God who created the world and acted through the most horrific death, He still pursues us in the silence and works on our hearts in the baby steps.

Dancing has taught me so much about my heart.  A struggle for a long time was to hold myself back.  I was so hurt by so many circumstances that rather than seeking healing, I didn't allow for people to come to know the real Manda.  I thought this was my well-guarded secret, until one night.  I went swing dancing with a small group of people.  At the end of the second dance with one of the guys, he called me on my crap.  He said, "You need to LET GO."  I was sorely irritated in the moment and refused a dance the rest of the night.  However, after prayer and reflection, I realized he was right.  Through my own postures and my own desire to lead, I refused to let go.  I was refusing to open myself to a new experience with a new person.  Here's the thing I find most beautiful about dancing, other than the way in which is can change our hearts: each dance is unique.  I don't mean each dance is unique in the steps, I mean that each time you dance with another person: that is an experience that can never be repeated.  Opening ourselves to new people, to new experiences, to new ways of learning the Lord, of course with a discerning heart, that is how we grow.  When we live in a bubble, the only way to grow the bubble is by stretching.

Let's be Saints, people.

Not Made for Comfort

"Its crazy, but sometimes women actually dress for their comfort...and not men's. Crazy concept!"

This is an actual quote from a friend of a friend on a Facebook status.  This Facebook status was one of those social-media rants that people have because they can't actually rant to someone in person at the time (you're smiling because you do it, too).  This particular rant was one of my favorites: leggings as pants.  Not gonna lie; it's immodest, gross and uncomfortable for everyone around you, not matter how they look on you.  My exception would be if the base of your spine is covered (butt) and/or you're coming from/going to a work-out class.  Example: my roommate practically lives in her zumba pants, but my roommate practically lives zumba.  It's fitting.  She doesn't wear them to work, to the store, or when we go dancing.  Nope, they're workout pants.  Seems pretty clear.  That was simply so you know where I stand.  Here's my real point: dressing for comfort.

Before I start, I'd like to place this disclaimer: comfort is NOT meant for all areas of our lives.  Growing in the virtue of charity means being uncomfortable, giving more of yourself, so don't apply these principles.

Time and time again, I hear women talk about how uncomfortable they are, but they wear certain uncomfortable items because they're "cute".  Let's be honest; as women, we all desire to be beautiful.  We desire to be seen as beautiful.  It's an innate part of our hearts, and it's a basic desire of all women.  What's funny about this is it seems to be the theme of fallen humanity: wanting something we already have as part of our nature.  This isn't a new problem; it's really the oldest problem of all.  Just take a look at Genesis 3, and you'll see how this is the oldest problem in the world: humanity desires to be like God because a seed of doubt placed within them from the most evil of manipulators.  All the while, God has already created them to be LIKE him (Genesis 1:26 "God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our LIKEness.' ").  Old news to many people reading this blog, but I'm just ranting on the root of the issue here: recognize that what you desire you ALREADY possess.

What's true is that women are already beautiful.  Women are already radiating a beauty far beyond comprehension, the kind that makes people stop dead in their tracks.  Women carry within them a power that is beyond the comprehension of even our very selves, and we crave that power.  Seems a little redundant, no?  At the risk of sounding a little cheap or trite, I dare to tell you that you're beautiful, powerful and inspiring, over the internet, without ever meeting you.  You probably hear it all the time, but ignore it.  "They're just saying it to make me feel ok." "They didn't see the way I treated my child, roommate, spouse, coworker, mother, father, sister, friend, etc. this morning, so they wouldn't really think I'm beautiful."  Knock it off, take a compliment, and take your self-talk and lies to prayer.

Amid all this angst, frustration, self-talk, lying to ourselves, etc, we have to realize one lie: "Beauty is pain." We joke about it: "I need my beauty sleep." We do things that make us hurt ourselves: plucking eyebrows.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-waxing, shaving; I'm just trying to use this to prove my point.  Shoot, I do it all, too.  However, I will not, I refuse, I cannot, wear something uncomfortable all day.  (Unless it's a bridesmaid dress that the bride really, really, really wanted. That's only happened one time out of ten, so, hush!)

My desire is to be beautiful, to look nice, to dress as a professional, because that's what I am.  I do my hair, I wear makeup. I wear business casual, business dress or business professional every day of the week.  I also wear heels almost every day.  Let's be clear: I'm rarely uncomfortable.  I have a job that asks me to sit most of the day, therefore heels are practical.  I'm only 5 feet tall, and often I'm in meetings where I need to be in a position of authority, so I utilize the heels to give me a little more stature with which to work.  And they're adorable.  AND THEY'RE COMFORTABLE.  I started taking notes on how I live this out in my own life, and I came up with the following list for your shopping enjoyment:

1. Don't shop when it's dire.  This is one of those life skills that comes with adulthood.  We always talk about not grocery shopping when we're hungry, so let's apply the same concept.  Don't shop when the situation is desperate, if you can help it.  "I need a new dress for this big meeting that's in two days!" That's desperation.  Simply put something together in your closet that you already have.  Have your girlfriends help you; sometimes they see things you can't see yourself.  Try to stay ahead of the curve by having a variety of items already on-hand in your closet like a blazer for big meetings, an LBD for dates, etc. 

2. Hit sales.  There are some places near where I live that you really have to be in a mood to go to, like Last Chance.  But there are some places that eventually run sales on everything in the store: Target (clearance dresses are THE BEST), New York and Company, Forever 21, H&M.  Sometimes these items don't last very long (price is low for a reason), so don't try to wear them out!  Hitting sales lessens your guilt for buying.

3. Don't shop alone.  Jesus is the Lord of Light, right?  The best way in order to rid yourself of darkness is to bring things to light.  This is a practical tip in living virtue, that I'm applying to shopping.  Just try to stop me.  Having accountability from the right friend, sister, mother, etc. while shopping will keep you from the impulse buys, buying something you'll never wear, or over-spending.  

4. Set a spending budget.  I'm a Dave Ramsey fan, so this speaks for itself.  Don't take your credit card; set a limit for yourself.  In the words of Bon Qui Qui, "Don't get crazy."

5. If you fidget with it now, you'll always fidget with it.  Simple, easy enough, but how many times do we buy things that are just slightly uncomfortable while in the fitting room, and then they become a burden when it's worn all day?  

6. Try all positions in the fitting room.  Find a chair and sit in it.  Sit in it while looking in a mirror (modesty, gals).  Bend over, lift something (like your purse), pretend to drive a car, hold a baby.  Try to do what you do on a daily basis while in the fitting room.  You'll feel ridiculous, and you'll probably look a little silly, but at least you'll be informed on your purchase!  And who DOESN'T need a little more humility.  :)

7. Subtle platforms, squishy bottoms.  I always get asked, "How can you wear those SHOES?!"  That's the answer: subtle platforms and squishy bottoms.  Things that are created to make shoes more comfortable.  Also, there's a line of shoes you can find at DSW created specifically for brides and bridesmaids; buy them.  They're comfy as all get-out because they're made for standing all day.  

8. Be practical.  I sit at a desk most of the day, writing curricula, tweeting, answering email and planning.  If you're in a job that requires to you to be on your feet all day, don't wear six-inch heels.  There are wedges, flats, boots or otherwise, that are fashionable and practical.  Teachers, I'm looking at you.

9. Just fun and not dysfunctional. When did dressing become such a burden?  When did we stop being little girls who played dress-up for fun and become insecure women who try on several outfits before leaving the house?  Have some fun with this!  When you're wearing something you know looks good on you, you feel good about yourself. 

These aren't the only ways to dress fashionably and comfortably, but these are tips that I use personally.  Ladies, let's get out there and be counter-cultural.

The Longest Weekend of My Life

So, maybe the title is exaggerated, but for the introverted, Thursday-Late Saturday night was quite the marathon.  Since the death of my grandfather at the beginning of October, I've felt as though nothing I could do would ever allow me to catch my breath in cleaning the house, keeping up on groceries, keeping up on friends, making sure that my laundry is finished, catching up at work, keeping up with my budget, exercising, or very importantly, getting in my alone time with myself and the Lord.  Friday and Saturday were no exceptions.

What began as an excited idea for my birthday weekend, quickly turned into a weekend where everyone planned a party.  Thursday night, I had a few friends over, Friday I saw several friends one-on-one, then went to sushi and played softball for my birthday, skipped a party to sleep, and Saturday was invited to four parties: a birthday party, a 1st birthday party for my friends' daughter, a baby shower and my roommate's CD release party.  WHEW.  As the week came and went, I began to dread the weekend; I was not looking forward to the timing of all the events coming at my face.  I felt like people were intruding on my time, intruding in my life.  "Why is everyone doing everything on the same day?"  I was frustrated, scared and, quite honestly, being a selfish little brat.

Friday morning, I awoke to prepare for Mass for the Feast of All Saints.  During the Mass, I recounted the Saints who I very casually say, "Stalk me."  I reminded myself that they were my friends interceding for me often.  Then what hit me like a ton of bricks was the realization that their prayers for my lonely heart were answered 100 times.  This time last year, I was alone often.  While it was a beautiful time of loneliness and prayer in the figurative and literal desert (I live Phoenix), I prayed against the lie that I was created to be alone, and often asked the Lord to lead me to deeper friendships.  I was sick of having the same conversation all time; I was tired of introducing myself and putting myself out there.  I am overwhelmed at His response.  Thursday evening, a small group of friends gathered to celebrate my life.  MY life.  What?  People who didn't even know me this time last year were giving thanks: for ME.  That's a humbling fact.  Friday morning, a great woman desired a one-on-one lunch with me.  Friday afternoon, several people made an effort to stop by and eat sushi or buy me a drink.  I was needed at the softball game Friday night.

Saturday, I broke down in tears as I drove from party to party, realizing that people felt such an integral part of my life, that I was invited to very intimate moments of their lives.  While I couldn't make every party this weekend, being there for a child's first cake, being able to provide diapers for a friend's first child through her baby shower, having an intense discussion with a friend while she helped clean our house for a party and decorating the house for the debut album of my roommate and very good friend are moments that I'll never forget.  I cannot believe the grace and love that the Lord has poured out before me in this past year.  I also cannot believe the amount of ungratefulness I've shown Him.

Sometimes, all I can think about is going home and swinging in our hammock in the backyard with a good book.  While my body and mind are exhausted from an incredible weekend in which was I privy to celebrating so many beautiful lives, hearts and souls, my heart is souring through grace and hope.  I am asking that you each pray with me against the ungratefulness in my heart this week, and hope with me for greater things to come.

Let's get to heaven, peeps.